Am I an Incel?

 I guess the term would be femcel for me. I’ve thought of this term and how i relate to it. I’ve been quite depressed lately so maybe thats messing up how i see myself yet ive always seen myself as sorta… yk 

I think most of it stems from the fact my mother died and how i just generally am as a person. I tend to be very gloomy, MAYBE misanthropic and i pull away from everyone when the going gets though. This has ruined a lot of my life tbh but TLDR i pulled away from my mother when she did get cancer and even a bit before it. I basically gave myself mommy issues… since i pulled away and when i did it was at such an important point in my life so i went through my very formative without a lot of motherly love. I watched this YouTube video called “sympathy for the Incel” y psychogenicfugue (I HIGHLY reccomend this video in general) but when he spoke on the character from infinity train (forgot his name sorry its the blonde chud) i just couldn’t help but particularly relate even in the bad aspects. I wont be explaining the video so just watch that section of the video

Omg u watched it thanksssss

But this lack of motherly love i have given myself has made me clingy and terribly needy.. ive made my friends (specifically my best friend) uncomfortable with my desperation, trying to get her to say that she loves me and trying to get affection like hugs from her. She particularly reminded me of a motherly figure, she lectured me. Most people saw her scoldings as harsh and i admit it isn’t the relationship you’re supposed to have with your friends but i reveled in it. It made me feel like i had someone, someone who would always be there for me. That i could fuck up and still get that love like a mother like i was entitled to that care

A mother scolds you, but still loves you at the end of the day

I ended up expecting this from her constantly and when i pulled away when things got hard for me I clung onto anyone who treated me badly. Because it gave me that feeling of getting scolded. It’s rly gross tbh… in the video i mentioned before in the same section I TOLD YOU TO WATCH he says this phrase that stuck out to me “a mommy that will make out with him” he said this to say what the Incel character wanted and i thought SO MUCH about this phrase after i watched the video. And I realized that is what i wanted. I want a woman to coddle and love me i want a mother but im unable to have a mother in my life for obvious reasons. And i think that wanting has fucked up the way i see women as a lesbian i see my “dating market” as unfair for the pure reason that a girlfriend is not what i want 

I also have similar views like “blackpill” or even “redpill” i feel as if my “dating market” is unfair, due to my looks and my social ineptitude. In fact today, I got a lecture by my brother about how Im supposed to talk ton my siblings and gain social competence because im so nervous and scared of strangers and in formal settings or events which i am a focus on i gain aggression towards strangers. At my mother’s funeral i pushed my relatives away, I didn’t know them. I dont want to know them and they never spoke to me or my family again after that. This is the sort of misanthropy i mentioned before. At least i believe my self isolation is the cause of this, i don’t UNDERSTAND why people would want to talk to me because i dont want to talk to them,, so i end up just responding to everything with aggression. with my looks im not pretty,, not even by the lowest margin. My nose is large,, people have compared me to a jew due to this. In fact ive had people hate me just for my looks. When people say they don’t like me because im annoying it’s just another word to call me ugly. There was this one girl at my high school with the most annoying high pitched voice ever it CANNOT be real but people like her,, why? Because she’s pretty if i spoke that way I would be seen as attention seeking. This is what ive learned my whole life. Everything i am that people hate me for other people can have it and not be hated for due to their looks. One of my friends my very PRETTY friends last year had hairy arms, everyone had insulted me for it but no one commented on my friend. In fact she got multiple boys asking her out. Theres nothing i can do about my want for love or affection in my life and ive overcompensated with my education. Theres nothing i can do about my looks that isn’t going under the knife. I’ve starved myself and im still not pretty its because its something fundamentally wrong with my face.. its my nose if i just had a different nose, a sharper jawline, a smaller forehead, a smaller mouth, with no lazy eyes and less fat in my face i would be different. My life with be different and people would like me. 

Note to my last post:

 A lot of my friends dmed me like “hey clouds r u fucking stupid Felix is a grown ass man.” So like happy helper is back on 😝 I’ll probably still draw it less just cuz i was so jumbled up by this whole thing,,, and im still sorta confused by the whole thing… fedor fix your comic #chud