i am filled with hate.

 my day today was not even going that well to begin with. My math teacher pissed me tf off today OH MY GOD... he literally jsut asked me if i was having trouble woth math like ofc im having trouble u suck ass at teaching and then my english teacher moved me away from my friend for talking WHICH IS UNDERSTANABLE... but right after i was moved she started talking about how we could only talk if we talked about school//// me n my friend were talking about school very quietly. gulp THENNN  history teacher starting bitching about my family history project... tecaher u dont need to know everything about my family i do not feel comfortable telling u most of my siblings were born from midwives. i will tell the internet about it tho,, but i just dont rlly like her TBH... 

But after school i talked with my friends eggz!!! fuckig love him hes da goat,, and he tells me everything AND APPARENTLY my old best friend has been talking shit on me.. like wtf shes saying that i am juist annoying and that i am "blowing up" her phone,,, no tf i am NOT. like after the whole felicity thing i didd pull away since all of it was embarassing to admit to but yk especially to her cuz even whenn we were super close she was my biggest critic. AND I WAS GRATEFUL for that until now.. shes just saying im annoying now when i have not spoken to her in literal months i understand if she doesn't wanna be my friend anymore ik im not the most likable nor unabrasive personality but yk just talking about me in public is absurd... i know i can be a sort of obsessive friend and im very very social person... but thats literrally just how i am as a person. if she doesnt like that then thats not on her to talk about. idk,,, my friend told me that th eperson she was talking to was probably a new friend and she is just immediately talking about me ???? idk i have never hated someone so much as i have hated her,,, except felicity but thats just cuz felicity is a literal pedophile.... but yk what this EX friend and felcity have in commone theyre both fat fucking white women. what used to be my exact type/// my type is now my gf (hi nick ik ur reading ts luv ya) BUT OMG IM SPO FUCKING FILLED WITH HATE ALL THI GIRL WOULD REPOST ABOUT IS HOW LONELY SHE WAS AND SHES JUST GENERALLY VERY VEYR RUDW????? LIKE I WAS THE OINLY ONE TO DEAL WITH HER PERSONALITY ANF HOW SHE WAS AND I EXPECTEED HER TO DO THE SAME AND ACCEPT MY ENERGY AND THE EAY I SHOW AFFECTION AND HOW I SHOW THAT I LOVE MY FRIWENDS!!!! BUT SHE LITERALLY DOPESNT SHE IS JSUT AN UNGRATEFUL BASTARD WHO CANNOT KNOW WJHAT IS GOOD FOR HER I HOPE SHE DIES I GENUINLEY THOUGHT SHE WAS MY FRIEND AND THAT HER CRITICISM WAS FROM THE HEART AND FROM A PLACE OF LOVE FOR ME... NO TF IT IS NOT SHE JUST HATED ME???? I SPENT ALL THIS TIME DEFENDING HER CRUELITY TO MY FRIWNDS FOR NOTHING ALL I WPULD TELL THEM "omg she just cares" "she just means well" "shes just being honest" "i rlly can be stupid sometimes" I DID ALL OF THIS FOR NOTHING JUST VFFOR HER TO GENUINELY HATE ME... FUCK MY LIFE I THOUGHT WE WERTE FRIENDS FOR YEARS??? YK WHAT FUVK HWR SHE COULDVE TOLD ME THIS WHOLE TIME SHE DID NOT LIKE ME ORN THTA SHE DIDNT WANNA BE MY FRIEND BUT SHE LET ME DELUDE MYSELDF INTO THINKING WE HAD A GENUINE FRIENDSHIP AND ENJOYMENT OF EACH OTEHR

at the end of the day i fucking hate everybody and everything in my life i do not have a mother to love so now i will spread hate amongst everybody i meet efrhivdfhiudif

First day of REAL College

BTW!!! i got a macbook neo for school... because every teacher was being mean to me :(( because i did not have a macbook and wanted to use my ipad egrhgrhu 

okay,, today was my first real day of college.. this whole time i HAVe been going to college but this is when like everyone starts going to college before it was just the dual enrollment students so i felt pretty comfortable with everyone. now im literally so nervous... I complimented this girl 1. cuz i liked her shirt 2. cuz she kinda looked like a rlly short version of my gf. gulp.. but yk i quickly asked her how old she was just as small talk and she said 21??? 21????!?!?!?! SHE WAS LITERALLY SO SHORT IT WAS INSANE THERE WAS NO WAY SHE WAS 21 vbkfkhdsfvjdfb 

anyways I had 3 classes today: Art 107, Geology 101 and Geology lab. Art 107 was kinda boring TBH. i was a bit disappointed by the class itself i genuinely thought it was going to be art FUNDEMENTALS.. like learning form and anatomy n stuff.. but its just like drawing abstract 2D shapes.. idk hopefully i can still find some use of the lessons in my art. and it was fun to talk to the other students during the activities. I did have to buy a shit ton of supplies for the class.. which i didnt use today which was upsetting. I then went to geology and i had to take a shit ton of notes... i told my classmate whooo is also in my math class that i had a gf yk.. very causally because she was asking like a small group of other dual credit kids whether they played instruments or not and i said that i didnt but my gf does (because she does she is very talented and i love her she played the guitar btw) and she said she didnt expect me to gay??? idk.. maybe its just cuz im kinda basic??? I have an owala i wear hollister and like... i REALLY like pink.. so maybe I just seem straight..

just look at my macbook neo background, i love pink

i love love love pink

but yk i had lab after but LAB LITERALLT DIDNT EXIST IDK AND NEXT TIME ITS FREAKING ONLINE SO PMO LITERALLY LIKE NOW IM JUST STUCK AT COLLEGE TILL FUCKING 4 THATS WHERE IM WRTIING THIS RN IN MY COLLEGE LIBARIY IN FULL VIEW OF EVERYONE YEAH EVERYONE IM A GAY ASS LESBIAN DYKEEE WHO LOVES PINK PMO PMO PMO PMO PMO 😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠

idk.. im trying my best here i put in alopt of my assignments into my notion so i could do them later and i need to remember to do my reading for english tmr i remember the teacher saying we didnt rlly need it sooo idk idk idk college is confusing and im frustrated and sad im and yk im still trying to be a blogger throughout all this yk it would be rlly easy to just give up on this and never update again but idk i enjoy having this macbook and it makes blogging alot easier and my words flow more easily,, after a while of blogging on my ipad i moved to writing my posts on iphone in my notes then copying it over to the ipad and maybe adding some stuff but yk now with my macbook i can rlly just sit down and blog... like the true blogger i am. 

but yk ill probably start blogging more sooo yall better read this cuz sniff... no one reads my blogs ive seen my stats... sobs 😢😢😢😢 

btw found out my evil ass ex is lowkey a fr pedo so thats fucking wtv thats fucking swell im not reeling that i dated someone who has talked to REALLY young children sexually ahahhhahahah im not absolutely fucking fuming rn and have been for the past couple days

lol at least my gf is nice to me.. hehe i get to hang out with her later oooo we gonna play idv and tell eachother how much we love each otherrr oooooooooo 

anyways my next post might actually be this same day i might write a lesbian space princess review since i do like writing my thoughts on films (I WATCHED THAT MOVIE WITH MY GF AS A JOKEEE STFUUU) but yk yk imma head off to the walmart by my school tbh i get picked up at 4 so i have alot of time and i have 20 bucks and walmart has rlly good food for REALLY cheap 

Sobs college sucks

writing this on the 19th- 

dhdhdhhehe HI GUYSSS i rlly dont know what to write about ive stated this before but i rlly write best when my life is terrible! and my life has just been getting better and better i gotta be really honest with u guys,, whilst i could go on and on about how much i love my gf n stuff.. because shes my life i love her. ill complain about college since it has started to stress me

it just feels like thr classes are so fast paced… i have an essay assigned yesterday that i have to turn in… possibly tmr. SO IM STRESSED ABOUT THAT and theres a family history project i have to do by tmr aswell. I hate stuff like the essay and family history project because it’s all so personal. I have to write on something important that happened to me but i really dont do much something that has effected me is my mothers death though, in fact i think thats a main reason for my lifes downfall (im better now but yk im still somewhat in a slump) but i dont even talk in depth about that stuff to friends even if im quite casual about mentioning it. I just hate going into depth on these things.. makes me feel like im being put in a corner, i say this as a person who puts people into corners alot. i put people into corners because of like… acceptable reasons like, asking them why their racist or something but talking about my mother just puts me into a corner where i have to talk about my experience watching my mother slowly die for 2 or idk how u count years,, 3 years yk… its just not a good topic for me and i have to mention it in both the assignments???? “whats a big thing that has affected your family” UH MY MOM DYING THATS WHAT I DONT WANNA TALK ABOUT ITTTT.. ITS JUST UPSETTING AT THE END OF THE DAY AND I JUST HAVE TO DO THESE THINGS,, ill eventually figure our what to write my essay on… and ill do the family history thing ehhhh… weekend. the teacher said deadlines were flexible till we got our textbooks

writing this on the 21st- 

yesterday i was talking to my friends n stuff and they literally said that our history teacher was a secret racist!??? 👀👀👀 SEE I DONT EVEN KNOW BUT I CAN SEE IT I CAN SERIOUSLY SEE THAT WOMAN BEING A RACIST. GOTTA BE SOOO HONEST. my ither friend said that on the first day or somewhere around there she said that she hated “thug rap music” but liked korean like… k pop rappers. wtf.

4:20 pm-

ive been home for a little so now im writing again… specifically because my gf asked me to update my blog. ALSO I 100% FAILED MY FUCKINGGF MATH QUIZ. and rn as im typing this im waiting for water to boil…. im tryna make rice ill update u if it turns out well. in this post so its not an update but it is an update… for me yk yk yk wtv

BUTTT yk next week is when shit fr starts… and i have to do stuff… on monday ill be at school from 7:20 to FUCKING 4 PM. THATS WHEN MY LAST CLASS ENDS IM DYING.., URKKKKKK geology lab. wtf. but its only on mondays sooo swell. im gonna miss my gf alot sighs. i already do but its gonna be 10x worse… I HATE SCHOOL,,,

i JUST put the rice to sit yk on low so it can cook im so SCARED??? IDK IM WORRIED IVE NEVER DONE TS BEFORE AND I USUALLY SUCK AT THIS STUFF….

9:11 pm-

The rice actually turned out fine. didnt take a photo WHAT I DID TAKE A PHOTO OF WAS MY LUNCH A FREE SLICE OF FUCKING PIZZA I GOT FRIM A RESTAURANT I TRUSTED MY FRIEND TO DRIVE ME TO its cuz it was the chains,, like 20th anniversary so yhey were giving out free shit but uhh ykni also got a free TShirt 

Freaking wtv… see u guys whenever sorry im not good with updates tbh once i get into the groove of college ill start writing more it’s just that its so difficult for me rn and i have my gf to yk., comfort and love

Returning!

writing this at 8 am-

okay im backkk!!! THE DAY BEFORE PACT OH MY GODDDDDD… updates college started its my third day of it!! i actually quite like it and my physical health has gotten alot better since the last time i wrote!!! me n my gf have been hanging out often and we’re both mutually just so IN LOVE WITH EACHOTHERRR so tbh my life has just gotten better and better!!! i force her to watch what i like and she makes me listen to her music its a very nice relationship… college has been sorta werid tho since im technically not in it i have 1 highschool class and 2 dual credits the issue is that since my sister works at an elementary school j have to dropped off at 7:30 but due to the fact i only have 3 classes my classes dont start till 12 AM!!!! i HATE IT it makes me tweak just waiting around from 7 to 12… sobs and i cant even message my gf since she’s in normal highschool and her school has a policy against phones and no wifi…

but today im planning on heading off to walmart with my friend to go get some food for cheap and then maybe head to the fr library after cuz theres my college library with just text books and then theres the actual one nearby with like fiction books n stuff weridly enough ive read a couple books that are in my college library like persepolis and maus,, i do sorta have a thing for historical books like that,, college has made me rlly happy tho and i like the freedom i have,, it does get a bit isolating since so many people jist go at 12 and so i dont rlly have anyone to like hang out with,, i just eat in the library by myself then go to class with my like 2 friends i have classes with and the third friend i have has no classes with me but we went to the same high school and shes the one im heading off to walmart with!!!!

writing this at 4pm- 

im suffering… AFTER SCHOOL YK I WENT WITH MY DAD HE PICKED ME UP AND LIKE WE

DROVE WE DIDNT FUCKING GO HOME THO WE WENT TO SOME DUDES HOUSE,,, we then went to home depot so like now im thinking now i get to go home NOOOOO he goes back to the other house and just goes in,,, he came back eventually but he picked me up at 2 and now its 4 so like… ugh pmo but im heading home now as i type thisss

my dad asked if i knew whether my siblings were home… idfk. im not home….

writing this at 10:00

i just wanna finish this up before 12… sleeping with my gf rn i adore her… shes too cute..

Whoops!!

TW: eating disorder ig

This is like very disorganized and sorta just random thoughts most of my entires are like that but this especially 

like 2 days I kinda passed out in public… I haven’t been eating well forrrrr.. months and recently I’ve been on the verge of passing out and now it’s the first time I did fr like pass out.. it sucks but wtv… now my dad is making me walk around my house morning and night and drink a ton of electrolytes and eat till I gag

i wish people realized how subconscious eating disorders are,,, im aware i have one but yk i kinda deluded myself into thinking i was gettinf better but like what r u gonna do??? i passed out today in fucking ross of all places because i was standinf for too long. Fml fml

I’ll probably take a break from blogging after this just because my physical health got just THAT bad.. I started watching skins the day I passed out which is sorta ironic but Cassie is my favorite.. which is obvious and also sorta ironic 🥲

Me n Nick 🥺❤️‍🩹

My gf was rlly nice about the whole thing and comforted me n stuff,, I text her while I walk around my house cuz she makes me feel better.. or wtv it’s not like I like her or wtv 🙄

Skins is a nice show it just feels like I’m larping sometimes lol 

That’s all I rlly have to say because I haven’t been doing much and I’ve been just suck inside 

Updates updates

SORRY ABOUT NOT POSTING FOR A WHILEEE!!! All will be explained 

I’ve put off writinf this for a while… blogging doesnt come naturally unless its me being upset so most of my posts r doom n gloom which i am sorry about… ill be posting this on the 1st or 31st but ill basically do a run through through a couple days where stuff happened… 28th of july- it was my dads birthday!!! we went to a big mexican restaurant!!! and then I almost passed out due to how hot it was the restaurant literally had no air conditioning it was crazy i FUCKING hated it the dessert sucks too like a cold lava cake. dont pmo mexican restaurant my sister said as she drove home she realized she coulda taken everyone to the cheesecake factory. which like yeah cuz IVE NEVER BEEN SADLY I LOVE THE IDEA OF THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY i wanna go so bad… wtf and idk the food was kinda.. not allat TBH I hated how far it once because I just felt on the verge of vomiting on the way home…. uh i forgot what happened the 29th whoops i just went to the grocery store with my family and bought 2 shirts from walmart.. very cute. then on the 30th it was!!! my college orientation!!!! it was fun asf i got to hang out with a high school friend and we talked a bit.. i proceeded to eat some ice cream once i got home which was rlly good I LOVE talenti sm but its so expensive and im rlly rlly upset i ate it because… i want more,, i have another in my freezer but itsss for my sister so like FUCKING WTVVV I WANT ICE CREAM THO I MIGHT TRY TO GET MORE NEXT TIME EI GO TO THE STORE this is also… I’ll also put my outfit for the event here shhhhh whereever

Omg my outfit

  now its the 31st while im writing this!! i got a girlfriend today!!! which… is fun her names nick. mentioned her a couple times before,,, shes sweet. even if she has 7 ex’s 😞😞😞 thats still what im worried about… before we were offical like idk. 10 minutes before because we kept beating around the bush i told her i needed alot of reassurance and she was rlly nice about it i told her it was because of my ex,, which is true but also like she has 7 ex’s!!! 😖 like what am i supposed to think of that truly but i am rlly happen with her she’s the kindest anyone has been to me as of late.. idk i said in the beginning everything is rlly like doom and gloom whichhh sucks 🥲🥲 but idk she makes me feel not so sad i mean im still depressed dating a girl isn’t gonna make my life any better truly yet it does help a bit. I watched her favorite film with her it was Forrest Gump tbh,, it wasn’t rlly that good LIKE IT WAS GOOD I WAS SAD BUT I WAS EXPECTING LIKE THE MOST LIFE CHANGING THING EVER YK YK YK but itttt wasss torture porn tbh like u just watch this mentally disabled dudes life sucking so hard so u can feel “inspired” and feel better about ur own life.. so like!!! Idk it was a sweet movie tho Nick n me are gump and Jenny ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

Life is wtv tho tbh I’ve been preparing to post on TikTok again once the school year starts or when iii start my college classes but I still feel anxious about it tbh im just a terribly paranoid person which I think you should know about if you’ve read my blogs ☹️☹️☹️ I worry myself sick over a lot of bullshit but itsss wtv