Back to school shopping!!!!

 Yesterday I finally used the shaving stuff I bought and it felt so good??? Like i love being smooth… the morning I did it I made my favorite breakfast because if I didnt eat i would probably pass out

clouds what the fuck r u eating

rice and eggs… its rlly good cuz the runny yolk soake into the rice grains. but I ate it and showered… still almost passed out. That was mainly cuz my hair was so tangled.. i have curly hair so when I shower i brush my hair it took me WAY too long. And i had to sit on the shower floor for a minute.. But I did i showered then shaved i tried shaving my knees and I cut the shit out of my myself my knee… it hurts even rn while i write this. so i went to the mall with a bleeding leg… and almost passed out there. I got some nice clothes!!!! ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹 i went to ross,, then the mall (shopped at hollister and american eagle)

i love shoping but HOLLISTER NEVER HAS ANYTHIJG like i wanted the green button through shirt to layer with my sweater AND teak reversible cami… its literally NEVER there. Along eith the clothes i also bought the body spray from hollister which smells SO good im just tryna get my smell??? figured out yk what i mean.. i wanna smell cute i wanna look cute i want everyone to like me. The last my family did was buy Popeyes while i sat in the food court tryna not to pass out or vomit. Straight suffrage. 

I spent the rest of the day looking for other shit to buy,, not because I’m greedy (even tho I am) I kinda needed to buy some stuff.. specifically things for lunch since I’m heading off for college I need to get a lunch box,, lunch bag, and little cutlery holder thing because college doesn’t give u free lunch like high school. I’m getting a miffy lunchbox from box lunch and I may be getting an owala water bottle… maybe. Idk about the cutlery set so far tho tbh I saw this rlly cute one on an Japanese website but tbh I might not buy it because shipping takes a while from there I don’t think I could convince my sister that some proxy service is worth it. So I’ll probably have to compromise. I want a basic lunch bag tho. I tried finding a Japanese bento bag because,,.. arigato. 🥺 but the only good one I could find was from this sketchy website and when I did my research people complained about the company being weird and kinda scammy so tbh I just want a basic jansport lunch bag,, 😛😛😛 I’m gonna try to also ask my sister for a Japanese school bag off of amazon since my sister trusts that site. I was supposed to get my muji package yesterday but it still isn’t here… sooooo welll see about that 🤔🤔🤔 I don’t even know

Anyways,,,, that was just me talking about back to school shopping byyeeew!!!

Hola… fml

 dudhdhd ive been putting off writing this tbh im watchinf abbott elementary rn ans its 7am… im angry while writing this but heres some updates I GOT NOTION TO WORK.. ITS AMAZING

Hikey its soooo hype

ALSO ON ART FIGHT i only have one revenge left and i think thatll be the last thing i draw for the event… i dont know i have 10 drawings so far so ive done A LOT.. so im kinda burnt out…

Arts- 

Revenge 

BUT IDK on the topic that im angry… my friend nick.. ive written about her alot but.. she has like 7 FREAKING EXS it makes me angry i dont want her hoeing around it makes me feel werid… it throws me off and shes always jokenly flirting with me and shes does it to everyone and thats what makes me angry she treats everyone the same way… i hate when people r like that. it shows whorishness. and she said she only has that many ex’s because she has a big heart… it may be big but its shallow. 😡 WHEN YOUR HEART IS TRULY BIG U YERN FOR THE SAME GIRL FROM 6th TO 9th GRADE AND U DO THAT AND U GET NOTHING FROM LIFE!!! i mean im not the best person when it comes to love… i tend to put all my eggs in one basket and push away my friends when i have a crush… im a lesbian bird (a bird is someone who is male centered and will do anything for a man) basically i focus on one person and one person only and it kinda messes up all my relationships… but that’s frankly,,, besides the point im just angry rn and she just keeps pressing me and playing with me arghhhhh

Idk im hungry I haven’t eaten much there is no food in this god forsaken house,,,,

Normalcy

i feel like ive been normal maxxing as of late.. i watch live action sitcoms and glee even anime ik anime is a nerdy thing but ive never rlly been an anime person and anime is kinda like… normal nowadays like I feel kinda left out for not watching anime sooo watching yuri on ice has been a fun time for me and I LIKE to clean my dad actually got mad at me for cleaning! not rlly just cleaning just only cleaning at night… like dad bug off.. at least im cleaning. Even recently ive been trying to shave and i bought a bunch of shaving items which yk ive never rlly put that much thought into shaving tbh… because im kinda anti social and if people dont like me or like yk if my family bullies me then yk an excuse not to talk to them..

Here they are

I also bought other stuff lemme put that stuff here real quick 

Korean sunscreen and a nice nice,, jarrito

Hollister sweater I’m considering buying a body spray next time

They are very very nice I thank my sister for helping me.. 🥲🥲🥲

i tried shaving my torso… my stomach is terribly hairy and has strawberry skin.. like the rest of my body. but i tried and im very thin and have a wide rib cage… so it didnt rlly work out and i ended up just chopping up my torso i have about 4 main cuts and many smaller ones, one of them is below my boob ehich i didnt even shave there so idk where that came from… i need to was or use nair or something it SUCKS shaving traditionally.. this was with a face razor too because im intimidated by regular razors… i did buy them tho ill use them the night before school… gulp i need to get my skin care together tho thats my goal.. ive put lotion where i dont usually put it like my hips n stuff frankly best decision ever why didn’t i do it before… my skin was always so dry arghh i just need to be consistent with it now but also…

recently I’ve been trying to get my life together like right before college. Yknow like having everything organized like my shaving and self care before I go so I’ve been trying to use a notion. NOTION SUCKS ASSS I hate hate hate it…. But I kinda kinda HAVE to figure it out…. Grrrrr

Okay time to talk about artfight I’ll discuss notion in my next blog post so yk yall will get to know whether it works out or not.. it’s bout to be the 20th im working on an attack rn im tryna put extra love because like…. Its for someone I rlly rlly look up to 😚😚😚😚

I rlly hope I can get it done and do all the revenges i have plans for 🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞

Sad stuff and then joy lol

 idk something happened… i found out one of my close friends were moots with my ex IDK IT WAS SO WERID BECAUSE SHE WAS LITERALLY PRETENDING TO BE A FOREIGNER!!! BY TYPING BADLY it rlly felt like a crude stereotype. for some reason im shaking while typing this hdhdhhd but idk my friend love him… all my heart hes the goat. but he’s confrontational so he confronted my ex… it certainly threw me for a loop… she makes me anxious and shes still just as aggressive as i remembered. alot more prone to making herself seem like a victim tho.. shes usually so “oh im better than anyone… haha im a master manipulator type” but i assume this victim way as wording shit is how shes gotten as far as she did… she even accused me n my friend of being ableist because we both criticized the way she typed. BECAUSE SHES BEEN TYPING LIKE SHES A PERSON WHO DOESNT KNOW ENGLISH AND SHES NEVER TYPED LIKE THAT BEFORE SHES FEEAKING WHITE… shes the palest person ive ever met. and im pale. she did offer an apology and my friend SAID THIS BEFORE LOVE HIM TO DEATH BUTTT but but but but big but… he decided to take the whole thing in to his own hands and say yes to apology I WILL NEVER ACCEPT AN APOLOGY FROM THAT WOMAN. but it happened.. and she FOR SOME REASON my ex WHILE apologizing asked for an apology… jeez i got doxxing threats from these bums im not apologizing “if you care about morals youll apologize” UHM UR FRIENDS WITH A DUDE THAT SAYS THE N WORD (you yourself says the n word felicity.. u didnt even mention that “you call me racist for no reason..” oh no i have reasons) AND TWEETS ABOUT WANTING TO RAPE CHILD KUROMAKU. you obviously dont care either but idk.. the whole thing threw for a loop ive been sick to my stomach shaking ever since… i rlly wanna tell him i rlly rlly didnt want him to confront her and just block but what happened has happened… it just makes my stomach hurt wahhhhh I can’t believe how easily anxious I get it’s rlly one of the worst aspects of myself

Lightening the mood- 

I’ve been watching Abbott elementary lately it’s genuinely the best show ever??? I thought it had 2 seasons turns out thats just the last time i checked.. it has 5 and im trying to catch up…

Also imma need yall to hear me out and listen… Janine x Gregory as Felix x Franz.. chu they’ree so cute. IDK Janine is always positive kinda yk giggly like Felix while Gregory likes routine and organization like franz.. its adorbs… the only thing thats differnt between my comparisons is that i think franz would like to do absolutely nothing… i see franz as the type of man where his biggest dream is to live a very simple life with just tea and i assume a wife.. while Gregory is shown to have to busy.. like him and amber literally broke up because Gregory’s idea of a relaxing vacation was having a tight schedule and being busy while her’s was doing nothing. I do think franz likes having a schedule tho,, i think he likes it more for Felix tho like Franz knows Felix isn’t the best with being on track so he likes to have a schedule so he can tell Felix what to do// with Janine and Felix its a similar thing tbh Gregory and Janine both like being busy while Felix literally complained about having so much shit to do as king (he stays #postive tho) and thinks doing 3 things all day is an achievement.. but I feel like the whole slow burn vibe fits them cutely yk workplace lovers and just the way Gregory cares about Janine and pays attention ARGH THEY SO CUTE.. but Felix x Franz has that vibe… like theyre so sweet and so is Janine and Gregory. 

On another note ive been watching yuri on ice and glee!! Along with slowly but surly getting through Malcolm in the middle 

Im a bit confused on who im supposed to be shipping in yuri on ice tho… u can’t be fucking ur coach,,, u can fuck the other yuri either cuz he’s 15 currently ive decided on the mc’s friend from Thailand so!!! Welcome to Bangkok! Insert that bjork gif i might fr add it later if im not so lazy 

But i am liking the anime so far the animation os art and ive heard the show itself is important to anime history and i like the intro 

I have a dentist appointment at 9.. sighs wtv….. i gotta work on artfight.. i have one more attack planned then imma start on revenges OK OK

I haven’t been doing much

 Gtejbfdj I napped twice today i stayed up all night,, fell asleep at 4 am and then woke up at 2pm jhdjhfd i was awake till 6 or something then i fell asleep and woke up at 9 pm. 

Now im writing this,, tbh this is the first day in a fat minute i feel like i have eaten well which… is nice 

I’ve been drawing most of this night and im writing this at 11 

Art-

I have like 2 more people im tryna attack then imma see what i can do with revenges and attacking strangers if i dont get too shy… 

I haven’t been doing much all things considered it kinda sucks ive been Ike slacking off a bit on college tho,, I only have one assignment left tho so ill do it tmr.. which is in like 20 minutes 

It’s 10 pm

 I did basically nothing today,, im getting tired of life in general tbh. I dont even talk with my online friends anymore. I’ve been so sad lately and I can’t rly figure out why, ive just gotten more paranoid than ever tbh… i dont get why tho, I haven’t gotten anyone poking at my account (mainly cuz i block them immediately) but at the end of the day it rlly is just me. Like idk i do it to mysef,, i over think and over analyze everything in my life. I worry myself to the point ive gotten myself physically ill…

At the end of the end of the day my life is actually pretty nice!! I succeed in school yk college.. and like im still terribly depressed. My dad has been very angry with me lately because all I do is sleep and stay up late. I had to do a lot of chores today because he was so upset.. what he said was true,, but im genuinely not doing well rn 😞😞😞 i spoke about it a LOT in my last post about how i feel sorta helpless socially and i think that rlly is the source of everything and if you read my last post then you KNOW its because im ugly

That rlly is the source of everything.. because im an ugly dyke 😔

Since I have nothing to talk about since i dont do shit anymore have some shitty drawings-

Pt. 1 body

Pt 2. Head

Already finished ts look at my art fight

Doodles

Am I an Incel?

 I guess the term would be femcel for me. I’ve thought of this term and how i relate to it. I’ve been quite depressed lately so maybe thats messing up how i see myself yet ive always seen myself as sorta… yk 

I think most of it stems from the fact my mother died and how i just generally am as a person. I tend to be very gloomy, MAYBE misanthropic and i pull away from everyone when the going gets though. This has ruined a lot of my life tbh but TLDR i pulled away from my mother when she did get cancer and even a bit before it. I basically gave myself mommy issues… since i pulled away and when i did it was at such an important point in my life so i went through my very formative without a lot of motherly love. I watched this YouTube video called “sympathy for the Incel” y psychogenicfugue (I HIGHLY reccomend this video in general) but when he spoke on the character from infinity train (forgot his name sorry its the blonde chud) i just couldn’t help but particularly relate even in the bad aspects. I wont be explaining the video so just watch that section of the video

Omg u watched it thanksssss

But this lack of motherly love i have given myself has made me clingy and terribly needy.. ive made my friends (specifically my best friend) uncomfortable with my desperation, trying to get her to say that she loves me and trying to get affection like hugs from her. She particularly reminded me of a motherly figure, she lectured me. Most people saw her scoldings as harsh and i admit it isn’t the relationship you’re supposed to have with your friends but i reveled in it. It made me feel like i had someone, someone who would always be there for me. That i could fuck up and still get that love like a mother like i was entitled to that care

A mother scolds you, but still loves you at the end of the day

I ended up expecting this from her constantly and when i pulled away when things got hard for me I clung onto anyone who treated me badly. Because it gave me that feeling of getting scolded. It’s rly gross tbh… in the video i mentioned before in the same section I TOLD YOU TO WATCH he says this phrase that stuck out to me “a mommy that will make out with him” he said this to say what the Incel character wanted and i thought SO MUCH about this phrase after i watched the video. And I realized that is what i wanted. I want a woman to coddle and love me i want a mother but im unable to have a mother in my life for obvious reasons. And i think that wanting has fucked up the way i see women as a lesbian i see my “dating market” as unfair for the pure reason that a girlfriend is not what i want 

I also have similar views like “blackpill” or even “redpill” i feel as if my “dating market” is unfair, due to my looks and my social ineptitude. In fact today, I got a lecture by my brother about how Im supposed to talk ton my siblings and gain social competence because im so nervous and scared of strangers and in formal settings or events which i am a focus on i gain aggression towards strangers. At my mother’s funeral i pushed my relatives away, I didn’t know them. I dont want to know them and they never spoke to me or my family again after that. This is the sort of misanthropy i mentioned before. At least i believe my self isolation is the cause of this, i don’t UNDERSTAND why people would want to talk to me because i dont want to talk to them,, so i end up just responding to everything with aggression. with my looks im not pretty,, not even by the lowest margin. My nose is large,, people have compared me to a jew due to this. In fact ive had people hate me just for my looks. When people say they don’t like me because im annoying it’s just another word to call me ugly. There was this one girl at my high school with the most annoying high pitched voice ever it CANNOT be real but people like her,, why? Because she’s pretty if i spoke that way I would be seen as attention seeking. This is what ive learned my whole life. Everything i am that people hate me for other people can have it and not be hated for due to their looks. One of my friends my very PRETTY friends last year had hairy arms, everyone had insulted me for it but no one commented on my friend. In fact she got multiple boys asking her out. Theres nothing i can do about my want for love or affection in my life and ive overcompensated with my education. Theres nothing i can do about my looks that isn’t going under the knife. I’ve starved myself and im still not pretty its because its something fundamentally wrong with my face.. its my nose if i just had a different nose, a sharper jawline, a smaller forehead, a smaller mouth, with no lazy eyes and less fat in my face i would be different. My life with be different and people would like me. 

Note to my last post:

 A lot of my friends dmed me like “hey clouds r u fucking stupid Felix is a grown ass man.” So like happy helper is back on 😝 I’ll probably still draw it less just cuz i was so jumbled up by this whole thing,,, and im still sorta confused by the whole thing… fedor fix your comic #chud 

IM HYSTERICAL ????? :((((

 FELIX X FRANZ IS A PROSHIP FELIX X FRANZ IS A PROSHIP 

AN INTERVIEW TRANSLATED FUCKING YESTERDAY…….. IT REVEALED FELIX WAS A MINOR. IM FUCKING TWEAKING?????? 

?????? Im crying right now!!!! THEY SAW EACHOTHER NAKED????? What does this mean for the rest of and of kings?? Are the women from Verona adults??? Does this mean fedor sexualizes minors? 

LITERALLY THE ENTIRETY OF VERONA????? This is all so strange and i want fedor so retcon them being minors or something,, i have to admit a part of me wants that for my own selfish desire of wanting to keep shipping what ive been shipping with the dynamic ive been shipping SINCE I WAS 10 EVERYTHING BUILT UP TO THIS… pomegranate x dark enchantress.. Tulio x juanin… it was all leading up tp the peak that was (I SAY WAS BECAUSE ITS DEAD) happyhelper. But i just want fedor to make his comic normal,,, the whole thing of Verona seems so weird now thinking that the clones are children,, we have Romeo WHOS YK A MINOR WITH A WHOLE SEX KINGDOM???? That is genuinely so fucking weird??? A apart of me feels Ike this has to be a mistranslation or something??? These clones run kingdoms n shit,, yk thats not weird kids having adult responsibilities i think thats actually a pretty common trope but idk… sex kingdom.. with a bunch of girls where the only purpose of them is to have sex with Romeo AND FRANZ IS ATTRACTED TO THESE WOMEN???? If franz is an adult (which he 100% is) and the clones are minors does that mean the Verona women are adults??? Why is Romeo just having a kingdom of adult women to fuck him?? And if their Verona women are also the same age as Romeo then thats 10x worse because now franz is just a pedophile.  

I just want this to make sense to me at the end of the day because i cannot fathom fedor writing this without him being a weirdo himself. 

Happy helper is dead and in the ground now… my life has been ruined and i have never been so upset and hysterical in my life. Literally what now. I had so much art… so much dedication to this ship, to these archetypes, and dynamics,, between these two men and i cherished them so deeply… just for it to all die 

I made so much art and it made others like the ship as well. A couple hours before i found out I misted more Felix x franz to my Pinterest. Now it’s gone (not the posts idk what imma do about those) but the pace in which Felix x franz took in my heart. It is ow a whole and I desperately need to fill it… 

Im lost to be frank and that is such a weird thing to say because this is a fictional ship, but i feel as if I have a lot of personal connection to it,, its always been a source of comfort to me really.. Felix x franz was always sweet to me and I can’t rlly explain how or why it was just appealing to me and warmed something within me… a part of me wish i drew more since i had so many ideas for the ship which will now never see the light of day due to this revelation. I’ll probably keep my posts up,, it’s wtv. But im just so distraught??? I had no way of knowing this was minor x adult. They saw each other naked??? Felix walked in on franz having sex and franz walked in on franz right after the shower and the comic treats these likes jokes???? It should’ve been treated as something more awkward and less of something Felix is just shameless about??? If Felix is a minor he’s basically showing his DICK to a grown ass man that Franz DID NOT WANT TO SEE??? Vise versa Felix did NOT want to see Franz having sex at least Franz told him to go away??? It’s such an upsetting experience tbh ive never rlly had to sit with something like this before…

Note: writing this made me feel better 

TLDR: I no longer ship happyhelper 😗 

???

 It just feels like ive been worrying myself sick as of late.. ever since i saw that bum posting my friends face on twitter and finding out stuff about my friend… (spoke about that in my last post) like i just feel sick. I make myself worry to the point my heart rate goes up rapidly and i just feel generally sad and so so conflicted.. i rlly dont know what im supposed to do anymore,, i feel so lost now when I was so sure of myself before. 

I always get myself into situations like this and i hate it i always become friends with the worst people. Not that she’s the worst the friend im talking about is pretty nice but i just get so anxious, im not ready to talk to her again and im scared of her seeing these blog posts about her. 

ive never felt so alone in my days… and its just like my best friend still wont message me at all!!! It just makes me feel so bad. Yk what i mean???? Im so sick I can’t even eat anymore i have pizza right next to me i only ate 1 slice not even the crust and just the smell of it makes me wanna vomit and i hate vomiting more than anything in the world 

I should really stop thinking about this whole thing but I just can’t help it ive never been so conflicted and anxious in my life???? What am I supposed to do anymore im in college!!1 I SHOULD HAVE MY LIFE TOGETHER BY NOW and its just so upsetting im supposed to be better this and im supposed to be a better person than this,,, have things figured out and be what im supposed to be. A good daughter,, a good friend a good student most of all but i just can’t handle anything anymore i feel so sick oh my god. And its all of my own doing i made bad decision and now i get to worry myself sick about it. :( 

Ive never felt sadder and i genuinely dont know what to do with myself outside of the internet even AND USUALLY REAL LIFE IS THE BEST YK AS I SAID BEFORE IM SUPPOSED TO HAVE EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL AND FIGURED OUT. Now im too anxious I can’t even do college and college NO MATTER HOW MUCH I COMPLAIN ABOUT IT,,, it CALMS ME DOWN… BUT NOW I CANT HELP BUT PANIC ONLINE AND OFFLINE 

I DONT EVEN EAT ANYMORE MY DAD YELLS AT ME SO MUCH BECAUSE I DONT EAT!!! i get so exhausted i forget to lie to my dad about eating so he just yells at me and im just so exhausted all the time I can’t take anything anymore,,